Home For The Jessens/A Reflection

September 13, 2018

Home For The Jessens/A Reflection

HOME

Home is truly where the heart is. After months of travel and soul searching, I feel like we have rebuilt from some of the challenges that have haunted us. We'll get to that in a few lines. First of all, we are no longer yard gypsies!!!

We have a home!!! Watch out Stevensville, MT we are here!

Before our trip we were really feeling like we needed a change, something BIG! Some of the photos I chose later on for this post portray a few candid moments with Logan and Pride that few people get to see. They can be pretty reserved. I suppose it is also fitting that this week I chose to write again happens to be suicide awareness week.

Brooks and I have always felt we had a great relationship with our kids. Middle school years had their challenges though, Logan became more reserved and withdrawn with her interests and her friends interests growing apart. We asked the questions everyone asks I suppose. Are you being picked on? How are you really feeling? Is it time to seek out some counseling or is this just that awkward teen phase?
Four years ago, between Logan's eighth grade/freshman year Brooks took a little time away from guiding. Maybe we just needed to let loose and have a little more family time.

Dirt bikes, hiking, fishing, real family fun. What could go wrong? We decided towards the end of the summer to go to one more race. It would be fun, Bozeman, we could spend some time with my brother Mike and sister in-law Nichole. Brooks and Pride were going to practice first thing and we would grab some breakfast and pop down to the track. I got the call that Brooks was being transported to the hospital, most likely a precaution and Pride was waiting by the truck for us. I tried to convince myself that it was a precaution, but I've been married to Brooks a long time, it would take a pretty major injury for him to leave in an ambulance and leave Pride alone at the track. At the hospital we learned his back was broken, his third thoracic vertebrae and needed immediate surgery. With the surgeon in Bozeman out for the weekend he was life flighted to Missoula.

It was the longest drive ever! Although the helicopter didn't beat me by much. We were super thankful to our family and friends who were very supportive.

School started and I stayed at home with Brooks for a little bit. Fortunately he bounced back pretty fast. As they say...

And so we moved on. Freshman year for Logan was tough. She had always been an excellent student, very driven, and for her first year she chose very advanced classes. She came home with mountains of homework. We urged her to cut back, she said she would feel like a failure to drop any of her classes now. Towards the end of the year she grew haggard and socially withdrawn, we thought she may benefit from speaking to a counselor, the first of many. She went for a while, then rugby season started. Logan said she was feeling better, an outlet was surely in order.

She did seem to be feeling better. That is, until the end of the season when she was injured. The state tournament in Helena. She broke her rib. With time spent on the couch and time for her mind to wander, Logan fell deeper into depression. She didn't feel like eating at first then began to slowly eliminate some foods that had never been an issue before. Sophomore year began, we were able to get her to adjust her schedule a bit more, adding a few classes that would be enjoyable, a little less homework and a little time to be a kid. By the end of the year she was very thin. Depression slid it's way into an eating disorder. In a candid moment Logan admitted to Brooks that she simply didn't want to live anymore. By not eating or purging she could melt away from existence.

The pain a family feels is so great, mother and father, simply trying to keep their child alive, unable to to take away the pain, the supportive brother that wants to help and doesn't know how, all feeling so very lost. All that is nothing to the one being tortured day and night by their own mind. We sought out several counselors, one after another. Never the right fit, Logan's emotions and feelings locked too far away from the world to reach.

The summer between sophomore and junior year we hit a breaking point, Logan was painfully thin and she began cutting all over her body. I took a leave of absence from work to stay home to care for her and we sought assistance from urgent mental heath. We locked away all guns (which were already in a safe), ammunition (separately), knives, razors, medication; anything we could think of that could be obviously harmful. We also switched her to a different school upon finding out she was assaulted at the previous one, contributing to some of the behavior. Logan's condition continued unchanged and sometimes worse. She felt that every time she opened up more of her freedom was taken away, as every time she did we were given further restrictive"recommendations" at home from the counselors. Without showing improvement Logan was admitted into a partial hospitalization program.

Logan applied for a job, getting out of the house, to have some independence was sure to give her a little freedom and help her to feel better. It did help, she worked as a barista at one of the grocery stores. Her confidence built, she slowly began to find purpose, at first very fleeting. That winter her grandfather Jim (Brooks' dad), passed away. It was a devastating blow to us all.

Sometimes in pain we find a new resolve. Although we were all struggling along we managed to figuratively put one foot in front of the other. Our communication with each other had always been pretty good in the past, now it was nil. We pushed to talk about things, little things, it felt awkward where it never had before. We pushed ourselves harder. Logan finished the partial hospitalization program and was able to attend school again. This time regular required classes and electives that sounded like they could be fun or enlightening. We were on a roll now. Still the tension was there, we were beginning to feel like something different needed to happen. I'm not sure why, but the feeling was just there.

My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary! Complete with a vow renewal that my siblings put on. They did an awesome job!

Shortly after, Brooks broke his leg...BADLY.

Followed by some nice hardware.

Which let to a long hot, smokey summer mainly on the couch. There were a few exceptions though.

Summer crept by, Logan now a senior and Pride a sophomore. Brooks went back to work. Pretty much as the picture above depicts. Tragedy would strike again. One year ago today my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. He he had struggled with lung disease for years prior. Cancer was swift in deliverance, my dad passed away October 10, right after his 70th birthday.

The beautiful people above: My sister Kathy, me, my brother Rob, my Mom, my brother David, my brother Mike, and Logan and Pride

Our dad's were huge presences in our lives and losing them both so close together hit us all hard, leaving a gaping hole. They were friends and both opposites in personality. Jim quiet and my dad, well, not so much. I think the toughest thing is having a question or a story you know they would appreciate and not being able to share it with them.

Especially the fun things, like Logan and Pride sword fighting with old Christmas trees!

Yes, those are Logan's feet sticking up, a successful retreat?

Or Jessen Statues.

Who could ever forget camper park Senior Prom?

Logan's senior year ended with one more thing, an eye opening event that truly left us shaken.

Logan was rear ended on hwy 93 between Missoula and Evaro trying to get to our camp site. She was one lucky kid!

Pictured above: Pride wanted to make sure Logan didn't miss out on her fortune cookie. Super considerate, I know, she was thrilled too.

Then, Logan had a little trouble with her eye.

Pride escorting Logan on stage for choir's senior night.

Next stop, graduation...

It was the principals speech to the students during reahersal that really hit home when Logan told us about it. He said that this was the first time in 12 years that a student wasn't killed at the end of the year that there weren't any names marked off his roster of graduates. Logan was almost that one student with her name penciled off that list. Let's let that sink in. Pretty powerful words.
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Transition artwork by Pride

Brooks and I had discussed many times in the past about moving to Alaska. When we chatted with our kids about it and they were game, which got the whole ball rolling for all our craziness, we didn't know what would really happen. Would we like it? What if we don't? What if our jobs fall through? Oh, the questions. All in all, I think this trip is exactly what our family needed. We got rid of things that were weighing us down. We worked together.

In many endeavors.

We got to break out our new hydraulic jack and take it for a test spin. It worked...

We laughed, we cried, maybe yelled a little bit. Mostly we got along and enjoyed the time together. Listening to the kids whispering in the back seat, giggling (probably about how crazy their parents are) and just having fun.

The things that push us to the brink and make us want to run and hide and the things that pull us back as we are teetering on the edge about to plummet are sometimes one and the same. Family and love. It's our relationships that catch us when we are right there and pull us into their warm embrace.

Cooking old family recipes with cousins

The cousins that make you play.

The ones you push away but love none the less.

Hunting firsts with family.

Friends that are still friends after paintball.

Silly dogs that just make you smile.

Our family, our friends are all one and the same. Here we are, back from the edge, revived. Excited for all the new adventures ahead. Another important lesson we learned is the power of home.