Finding Myself
I really debated for a few months about writing this entry thinking it may be more of a journal entry than anything. Then I debated whether or not to post it. I decided, I want to be the person that is not afraid of my own vulnerability
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Brooks and I started our family just over 20 years ago. In my youth I had been plagued by the same things young people, old people , people in their middle years have always struggled with and will continue to struggle with in the future. My sense of self, never feeling like I was enough or could be. I decided when our family began that I was going to be the best mom I could be and not let my own head get in the way of that no matter what.
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Brooks and I started our family just over 20 years ago. In my youth I had been plagued by the same things young people, old people , people in their middle years have always struggled with and will continue to struggle with in the future. My sense of self, never feeling like I was enough or could be. I decided when our family began that I was going to be the best mom I could be and not let my own head get in the way of that no matter what.
After I had Pride I gained a considerable amount of weight. I wanted to be healthy not only for family, but for me. I wanted to enjoy every minute of playing with our kids and I wasn't going to let myself get in the way of that.
I started working out. I got healthy, then I wanted to share that feeling. I learned how to teach fitness classes. I began with SPINNING, even though I was never much of a bicycle rider myself. I've always crashed quite a lot. More than anything it felt good to learn something new. BRAND NEW! Eventually I expanded to teach other classes. I'm not really sure that I was ever really much of an instructor, and you know, I didn't give a damn as long as I was doing my best, and felt like I was helping people. I loved it!
Spanning over the last few years I've been struggling with my sense of self, my confidence and crippling anxiety. I know this isn't abnormal by any means, and I think most people struggle with this all the time. I think we all go through little phases where our head gets the better of us. Finding our way back through the ebb and flow of life is a journey all our own. Within that journey we may need a little helping hand. When we are drowning in our mind, there may be a life preserver right in front of us, don't be afraid to just reach out for it.
It really hit me about two years ago, that I was really feeling lost. Standing by our daughter through her own struggles, my dad passing away, and several other events lead to a catalyst of mental destruction. The dam simply broke, all the negative self talk rushed in.
Thinking back to the last class I taught, it's funny that it is so very vivid. The one thing I enjoyed so much but deep down never really felt I\like I was enough. I was filling in, kind of last minute. My mind played back every snide little side comment, every time some one walked in, didn't see their favorite instructor and walked away, replayed over and over. The crippling anxiety that told me I certainly wasn't part of the "A team," the "B team," and only if I was lucky made the "C team." Only called as a last resort. I spent every minute I had available to me to make a good game plan, okay, maybe several game plans, the first simply wasn't good enough, or the second...
I taught that day, mostly a blur, not sure if I was going to throw up or cry, or both. I hobbled through the hour, trying not to make eye contact with anyone, every minute dragging on and on. Finally the end! I think a few people tried to say something to me, I'm not sure, I was in a bit of a rush to get outside, barely making it back to my car before bursting into tears. Not cute little crocodile tears, full on ugly crying.
That was the day it really hit me, that inside I was feeling broken. I think the rest of my family has been feeling the same.
Within our travels, I feel like we've repaired some of the inner pain we've been battling. We still have a ways to go. I know I sure do. I haven't really exercised much since the aforementioned day. I've been feeling lately that it is time for me to push forward, lead by example.
It really hit me about two years ago, that I was really feeling lost. Standing by our daughter through her own struggles, my dad passing away, and several other events lead to a catalyst of mental destruction. The dam simply broke, all the negative self talk rushed in.
Thinking back to the last class I taught, it's funny that it is so very vivid. The one thing I enjoyed so much but deep down never really felt I\like I was enough. I was filling in, kind of last minute. My mind played back every snide little side comment, every time some one walked in, didn't see their favorite instructor and walked away, replayed over and over. The crippling anxiety that told me I certainly wasn't part of the "A team," the "B team," and only if I was lucky made the "C team." Only called as a last resort. I spent every minute I had available to me to make a good game plan, okay, maybe several game plans, the first simply wasn't good enough, or the second...
I taught that day, mostly a blur, not sure if I was going to throw up or cry, or both. I hobbled through the hour, trying not to make eye contact with anyone, every minute dragging on and on. Finally the end! I think a few people tried to say something to me, I'm not sure, I was in a bit of a rush to get outside, barely making it back to my car before bursting into tears. Not cute little crocodile tears, full on ugly crying.
That was the day it really hit me, that inside I was feeling broken. I think the rest of my family has been feeling the same.
Within our travels, I feel like we've repaired some of the inner pain we've been battling. We still have a ways to go. I know I sure do. I haven't really exercised much since the aforementioned day. I've been feeling lately that it is time for me to push forward, lead by example.
It's time to take a good hard look, this is me, the raw, flawed me.
Sometimes there is that little voice telling you, you are not smart enough, you are not good enough, you are ugly in every way. I for one have listened to that nasty little voice for far too long and let it rule way too many aspects of my life. I've found you've got to shut that voice down, tell it to shut the fuck up. Tell that little voice "I will be the person I want to be. I will arise like a phoenix from the ashes, stronger than ever before and nothing will stop me."
Be the person you want to be. Remember we all make mistakes, don't beat yourself up over them, learn to forgive yourself. Don't let your head hold you hostage, do those things you have wanted to do, even though it makes you feel uncomfortable. Celebrate the little victories.
Be the person you want to be. Remember we all make mistakes, don't beat yourself up over them, learn to forgive yourself. Don't let your head hold you hostage, do those things you have wanted to do, even though it makes you feel uncomfortable. Celebrate the little victories.
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